to eleven


11th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos, with commentary by jason

Jayson sent me the link to Sugar Slam’s and DJ Clay’s new opus, The 11th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos Infomercial. We knew this event was just too important, too groundbreaking, too…just too. We had to say something about this. Below is said video; below that, a visual running commentary.

0:40-0:50 Again, the juxtaposition of “getting laid” and “meeting family” bothers me. Not even a minute in, and I need a shower.

0:58 Jesus Christ…somebody wake up Awesome Dre.

1:02-1:05 Sugar Slam…just don’t.

1:20 Yeah…because there were a lot of West Coast rappers in the Wild West.

1:26 BIG MONEY RUSTLAS!!! WOO WOO!

2:14 Opening Ceremony? It’s not the Olympics. Plus, the 1st band is not called an “opening ceremony.” That’s just called “the opener.”

2:43 Now that’s just racist.

2:58 Does Anybody Killa have a lisp? He sounds like Billy Quiz Boy from The Venture Bros..

3:23 You know…this whole thing is like a prison gang…any one of these artists would get gangbanged in the rap scene, so they have to stick together.

3:36: Sugar Slam, goddamnit! I told you to stop that shit.

3:44-4:03 FUUUUCK! Naughty by Nature? Method and Red?

4:37 See? Crazy. As. Hell, dogg! WOO WOO!

5:08 Sugar Slam’s eyes say “Kill me. I want to die.”

6:04 Warren G? You know, every time I hear “Regulate,” I hear “I can’t believe they’re taking Lawrence Welk!” Now, you’ll hear it too. EVERY. TIME.

6:33. Did she forget her line?

6 37: “You know what I’m looking forward to the most, don’t ya?” BATHROOMS!!!

6:43 I just gained all new respect for Sugar.

7:28-7:37…

7:45 Lil Kim? What…does this count as community service?

8:24 AFROMAN!!!

8:36 COOLIO!!! Coolio lost his shit years ago.

8:58: WAFFLE HOUSE!!! Wait…what?

9:08 Awesome Dre is making me uncomfortable.

9:20, Sugar Slam’s degree in communications/broadcasting shows. I think she goes a full 20 seconds without awkwardly saying “mothafuckin'” or “Woo-woot!”

10:00 TONE LOC!!! Playing a state fair near you.

10:12 ROB BASE!?! He did that one song!!!

10:48-10:54 BWAHAHAHA

11:46 Vanilla Ice!!! OK, now they’re just fucking with me.

You know…they should have gotten 3rd Bass. I’d go to Illinois to see Prime Minister Pete Nice. They blew it.

12:46 Dre has never seen a naked chick before. FACT.

12:46 I think Corp is doing some kind of method acting shit. Like, I believe he just walked across state lines in the sun. He looks like he’s baked.

13:00-13:08 Terry funk…Todd Bridges…
???

“Oh, man…we about to have all sorts of crazy shit up in this ring! Terry Funk…Todd Bridges…a chicken…a broken microwave…um, some of this shit, I don’t even know what the fuck it is…”

13:16 Jimmy Snuka!!! I met Jimmy Snuka once. Dude’s hands are HUGE.

14:38 When I was in the industry*, we called that a “straight to DVD release.” It’s nothing to brag about, ninja.

14:58 I’m not watching that fucking trailer again. Sorry.

16:58 What the fuck is the narrator on about???
“…the greatest time you motherfucker [sic] will ever have! I put that on my nuts, bitch.”

There you have it. The Official To Eleven commentary track to one of the most important things ever. All I need are 2 robots and it’s a party!

-jason

*Well, when I worked at Blockbuster Video, anyway.

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3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Some thoughts.

ICP are the most successful group in the history of independent music.

Camaraderie.

Sugar Slam is not _that_ cute, why am I so attracted to her?

The whole thing with the wrestlers reminds me of The Wrestler. All these broken down old dudes who can’t do anything else. Terry Funk is 66 now… geez.

Ghetto. Wow. Ghetto. The Dayton Family. Ghetto. Ghetto ghetto.

What can they possibly be holding seminars on?

Comment by Jayson

In response to your last question about seminars, I got their seminar list online. Here is a few highlights:

Faygo Chugging 101
Advanced Backyard Wrestling
How To Not Be A Punk Ass Bitch
Intro to ICP-style cosmetology

I heard their was going to be a scared straight seminar, but I think they decided to give up on this festival because it is a “lost cause”

Comment by Eli Gundry

1. I foresee Tom Green going over about at well as Andrew W.K. at this thing.

2. I thought ICP was racist. Maybe it’s cause I’m from Wayne county and all the ICP fans are racist.

3. How the hell is somebody named “Anybody Killa” getting higher billing than Method Man and Redman? Last time I checked, How High and Soul Plane are studio movies that they starred in. Can Anybody Killa act?

4. Intelligence level to enjoy Gallagher. Pretty low. He’s gonna be in his comfort zone.

Comment by Eli Gundry




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