to eleven


A moment of profound realization. by Jayson
May 11, 2010, 9:40 am
Filed under: Interview, Metal

I am going to have to mostly stop reading metal interviews, or I’ll have to stop listening to metal.

It’s hard to say this, because we’ve been trying to do them here, but like, a lot of interviews are boring. A lot of metal interviews are really really boring. Like, this is 90% of every metal interview I’ve ever read:

Interviewer: I like your band a lot, you just recorded a new record. Tell us about that.

Band: Yeah, we went into the studio and were in there for a while. While we were there we recorded an album. Guy who recorded other bands that we’d like to be mentioned in the same breath as did the mastering. He is great. This is our best record ever.

Interviewer: Tell me about your influences.

Band: We are heavily influenced by:

Pick three:

  • Satan.
  • Just like, evil stuff.
  • Horror movies we watched on HBO as kids.
  • A book about something we read once.
  • Dungeons & Dragons.
  • Being disliked in high school by: girls, jocks, everyone.
  • 3-5 books we have read. These will likely include Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, a book by Aleister Crowley and two others no one has ever heard of.
  • Every other band that has played the same kind of music that came before us. Re: Venom, Slayer, Celtic Frost.

Optional pool (pick no more than two):

  • Aliens.
  • Conspiracies
  • Conspiracies about aliens.
  • Politics.
  • Not eating stuff.
  • Nature.

Interviewer: What do you think about the current state of music?

Band: Oh it’s all shit. It’s so bad today. It’s not like it was. In the past everything was awesome and now it’s not. I will not name names of other specific metal bands unless they are completely reviled. We will say that (genre) sucks. We will also mention how (completely unrelated genre) sucks and is proof that everyone is dumb. We only write music for freaks and disturbed personalities like ourselves.

Interviewer: You guys just toured. How was the tour?

Band: Despite the fact that we like saying that all humanity is a cancer and we pray to our dark lords to end this world, the tour was awesome. All our fans were great. Fans in City really tore it up. It was great to be out with Band (opener) and/or Band (headliner).

Interviewer: What are your plans for the future?

Band: We are going to play more music. We will also tour again and then return to the studio to record again. After that we will tour.

Over and over.

Now you know, this isn’t every interviewer, or every band, or even every band of deviants writin’ about evil. It’s just an awful lot of them.

– Jayson

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