to eleven

A boring list: Why the hell do I have these albums? by Jayson
May 4, 2010, 1:34 pm
Filed under: Failure, Lists

More things I’d probably be better off without.

What the hell is this?: It is KMFDM’s “big” album.
Why did I buy this?: Two reasons. The first is, that based on the song A Drug Against War, and a handful of Ministry albums, I thought industrial was basically metal with a drum machine. The second is the Brute Propaganda artwork.
How badly does this suck?: Badly. The problem with this album illustrates one of the most disappointing things that can happen. You buy an album for the one song you really like and it is the only song that sounds like that on the whole album. You have Drug, which is basically a thrash song at it’s core; then you have the rest of it, which is like… an earthy techno pop. Seriously, the rest of it is dance music for art students from the 80s.
Why do I still have this?: The cover art. Aidan Hughes 3 color, quasi woodcut style was one of the biggest influences on both my decision to get into commercial art and what I tried to pass off as my “style” for years. It’s arguable that buying this album contributed significantly to ruining my life making me the man I am today. Call it personal historical significance.

Joan Jett and the BlackheartsFetish
What the hell is this?: This is a compilation album. It is like a concept compilation of songs about ‘doin’ it.’
Why did I buy this?: I didn’t. Pat bought this for me. Back when we had more money than brains we used to go and dare each other to buy the other guy a random terrible album that we kinda wanted.
How badly does this suck?: Do you want to touch Joan Jett? What about hear her belt out lines like ‘Relax, while I pound your ass!’ ? The correct answers are ‘maybe’ and ‘holy shit.’
Why do I still have this?: It was a gift.

Tiger ArmyII: Power of Moonlite
What the hell is this?: Goth-psychobilly with a vocalist that sounds exactly like Davey Havok.
Why did I buy this?: This is another deal where I got burned hardcore by Varla magazine record reviews. There is not much more to say. Like… I am easily bamboozled by a glowing review of something.
How badly does this suck?: See above.
Why do I still have this?: I have moved around a lot. My CD collection is not organized at all. For large parts of my life it’s just been thrown in stacks of U-Haul boxes. At some point in 2002, during a move, one of these boxes became lost. For nine years I didn’t have any idea where it was. As a result of an intensive cleaning effort at my parents house it finally just turned up. As rad as it’s been to get my White Zombie CDs back, there are a lot of wrong turns in the box. Tiger Army is not sticking around, this album is scheduled for termination.

The DictatorsD.F.F.D.
What the hell is this?: An album by a brutally past their prime band who was influential in 70s.
Why the hell did I buy this?: Back in the day I used to run into this super record collector genius guru guy, Steve. Steve recommended this to me. To be totally fair he said the song Who Will Save Rock and Roll? was great and the rest of it was just ok.
How badly does this suck?: So The Dictators used to be somebodies. I can respect a historical contribution. What makes this a terrible album is how reactionary it is. There are a handful of punk bands, some old, some new that pretty much idolize 50’s rock. Chuck Berry is the Alpha and Omega of music that uses amplifiers. This is a ‘rock for olds’ concept album. It’s a bunch of pre-hardcore punk style songs about how all new music is shitty; a bunch of washed up old assholes complaining. Handsome Dick says he wishes Sgt. Pepper never taught the band to play. Handsome Jayson wishes Dick would have stuck with driving a cab.
Why do I still have this?: The song Pussy and Money is pretty good. Good album art. This might not make the next cut.

Most Precious BloodOur Lady of Annihilation
What the hell is this?: Boringcore.
Why the hell did I buy this?: Again, I didn’t. Pat bought this and I traded him an Arby’s Roast Beef sandwich and Curly Fries for it. Most Precious Arby’s.
How badly does this suck?: This is like the one billionth boring hardcore band. They’re screaming. ah.
Why do I still have this?: It was in the lost box. I think I thought it sounded ok when I listened to a song and a half of it back in the day. Maybe I’ll have a contest to get rid of some of these. Win Jayson’s Least Favorite CDs, or something.

Cycle Sluts From Hellself-titled
What the hell is this?: Venus Penis Crusher, She-Fire of Ice, Honey 1%er and Queen Vixen. The ultimate heavy metal band.
Why did I buy this?: Because I saw the I Wish You Were A Beer video on Beavis & Butt-Head.
How badly does it suck?: It doesn’t suck at all. It rules. I am toying with your expectations.
Why do I still have this?: Because it rules. I got this from a guy in the old Austintown dirt mall who sold cutouts, bootlegs and shoes. This is one of the great finds of my record collecting days.

– Jayson


1 Comment so far
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That roastbeef sammich was delicious! I definitely got the better deal.

Comment by patrick.

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