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A boring list: Why the hell do I have these albums? by Jayson

Most of the time, when my tastes have shifted due to age and ridicule; I just take all the offending albums, sell them off and pretend I never owned them. It is very much like Stalin having Trotsky airbrushed out of all those group photos. There are a handful of albums that I’ve kept through repeated purges, even though they all kinda suck.

Betty BlowtorchAre You Man Enough?
What the hell is this?: After the stunning success of Butt Trumpet, Bianca Butthole went on to form this band. This is like, some of that semi-tongue in cheek hard rock. Where like, the ladies are making fun of dudes and singing about being sluts and stuff like that.
Why did I buy this?: I seriously have no idea. I don’t remember why I bought it or where I heard of it or anything.
How badly does it suck? It’s just ok. Some of it is pretty entertaining, some of it crushingly embarrassing.
Why do I still have this?: Vanilla Ice is on track 3, rapping about his dick.

BiohazardMata Leao
What the hell is this?: It’s Biohazard, fool! When you’re in fuckin’ Brooklyn…
Why did I buy this?: You’ve got no idea why you’re angry, but you are. If you are in this stage, you buy such as Biohazard albums.
How badly does it suck? Lyrical prowess- “Fuck the rules! Fuck fuck the rules! C’mon! Fuck the rules, fuck fuck the rules!”
Why do I still have this?: I think the slipcase and disc designs are really solid.

Thug MurderThe 13th Round
What the hell is this?: Three Japanese ladies playing punk rocks.
Why did I buy this?: Back in the day, I used to read Varla Magazine, for the articles. Varla’s writers loved everything they ever reviewed. They especially loved this band, saying they were almost like a Japanese Social Distortion.
How badly does it suck?: It’s not Social Distortion by a long shot, but it’s really not that bad. It’s like, that sloppy punk rock made by really earnest people sound.
Why do I still have this?: Really honestly not that bad.

Phantom BlueBuilt to Perform
What the hell is this?: An all woman “heavy metal” group. They’re like… radio-friendly-not-yet-aware-that-hair-metal-is-dead-Vixen-esque metal.
Why did I buy this?: I didn’t. Pat bought it. He was going to get rid of it. I said “Hey, Phantom Blue, can I have this?”
How badly does it suck: It doesn’t, but it’s one of those secret guilty pleasure type things. They band is awesome, it’s just like… awesome at a terrible type of music.
Why do I still have this?: Coop cover art. This is literally the only drawing Coop has ever done that does not involve zaftig devil women. For reals. I would marry the woman on this cover, even if she was a cartoon. Just like in Cool World. Weirdly the ladies in the band in no way resemble this.

BiaxadentDawn of Eternal Nights
What the hell is this?: This is a band that sounded like early Murshroomhead but are totally vampire themed.
Why did I buy this?: I was drunk. These guys played at the college I went to before I went to art school. I was tore up by the time they got on stage. I was getting an album!
How badly does it suck?: Do you have a rough idea of how bad it sucks from the description? It sucks that badly. Look at these guys.
Why do I still have this?: Ok, this band were a straight rip off Mushroomhead. Basically take Mushroomhead and subtract the random costumes (from before their feud with Slipknot) and add puffy shirts and fangs. You can see the picture there. These guys also duplicated Mushroomhead’s then sort of infamous stage show, with sexy dancers and a guy who breathed fire. Biaxadent had goth dancers though. One day I am talking about this album with some art school chums and one of them says ‘Oh, CLASSMATE was one of their dancers, did you know that?’ I didn’t. Seeing as how I have no feelings at all, I brought it in and asked her to autograph it for me. She got like, upset. It was all good though, I took her to Dairy Queen once she stopped crying. Good times.

– Jayson

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5 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Would you pronounce the last band “By Accident”? Other than that, great article.

Comment by Eli Gundry

Correct, yes.

Comment by Jayson

I totally regret giving away that Phantom Blue record now that the one guitarist passed away. and I still have that same Biohazard album! I only ever listen to Urban Discipline, though…

Comment by patrick.

hey, still have that biaxdadent CD? will buy it or a copy of it off you

Comment by mike

Yeah, I do. Make me an offer. At the very least if I decide to keep it I will make you a copy.

Comment by Jayson




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