to eleven

The old person’s guide to going to shows. by Jayson
March 1, 2010, 11:59 am
Filed under: Shows

The official To Eleven Survival Guide.

You are 30 or over. You have a job, responsibilities, maybe a kid or five. You still want to go to see NOFX whatever. Ok. Here is how to survive doing that.

Don’t drink.

Drinking is like anything requires a degree of physical conditioning. While a few of us manage to have lives of uninterrupted recreational drinking opportunities, most of us have ‘given up’ by the mid-20s. Everyone has some pressing thing that makes us stop going out, maybe we have a beer every now and then, but we’re mostly done. You are now not just out of shape, but out of drinking shape too. Alcohol is a depressant, remember that. You’ve been in your cubicle or driving the forklift all day, after getting up at 6 AM to get to work. The band you really want to see is coming on between 10-12. Your non-conditioned, weary ass is not going to make it if you drink. If you have a beer you’re going to to be standing there half asleep when the band is trying to get you to chant the name of their hit for the fake encore.

Drink a lot.

Now, this is like 3-4 drinks at the most, which will be all you need at your age. If someone else is drivin’ let liqour be the wind beneath your wings. This is because you’re going to be in a lot of pain at a certain point in the night. Which brings us to the next item.

Get some Dr. Scholls.

Real talk. This is for the white collar workers mostly. Somehow in your teens and early 20s you could just stand for hours. It’s like a thing. Now you’re 33 and the resilience of youth has faded. You’ve also put on between 20-50 lbs since then. You have zero muscle tone because you sit all day. Somewhere around the 45 minute to 1 hour mark, your back is going to start to hurt. In another hour to half an hour after that your feet are going to start hurting. You’re now going to spend the rest of the show being distracted because your body is dying to return to your natural position, sitting. Get some gel inserts or something. These New Balance insoles are the shit.

Sit down.

Really, fuck it. Sit down already. There are always a couple of bar stools/chairs in nearly every venue. It is important to get there early if you’re thinking about grabbing a seat. You are competing with the other old people at the show for a very scarce resource. Do not worry about actually being able to see the band, you aren’t going to be able to anyway. Everyone who is in their 20’s has been raised on a strict diet of bovine growth hormone laden McDonald’s burgers. Where at 5’10” you were once ‘average height’ the average 20 something American is now approximately 6′ 4″.

You have time to change.

If your work requires you to wear a uniform, you have time to go home and change. Trust me. You ain’t need to wear your Arbys uniform to the Exodus show.

Remember to laugh.

You’re going to be tired and cranky before you even get to the show. Remember to chuckle when the singer yells ‘I WANNA SEE ALL THE OLD FUCKERS IN THE BACK TEAR IT UP!’  It’s still 1986 for that guy, he still thinks he has hair. Likewise, if you want to fit in, pull out your phone and text someone, everyone will think you’re 28. Sit out of earshot and make fun of how people are dressed. There is a lot of fun to still be had at shows.

If you didn’t listen to any of that stuff, make sure there is a bottle of water and a few Aleve in your car for the aftermath.



3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

In my experience, being in your 30s is largely handled by the water and Aleve.

Comment by ymatt

Yeah, you really can reduce the whole experience to that.

Comment by Jayson

[…] got their semi-early and following my old person’s guide to shows, I got a chair. Fang Island. If Captain America was the mightiest sorcerer in these lands, he'd […]

Pingback by Tight jeans and long beards: Fang Island, Caspian, Red Sparowes « to eleven

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