to eleven


A sampling of the concert going public. by Jayson
November 23, 2009, 9:42 pm
Filed under: Failure, Shows

Cracked.com recently posted this, 7 Obnoxious Assholes Who Show Up At Every Concert.

Not bad, but I can’t entirely agree. I’ve only run into the bootleg recorder one time and the hideous drunk maybe twice. Hell, girls spilling drinks on me is my #1 method of meeting them at shows. However I’ve run into a few they didn’t mention.

The Runner

I think at the average concert, it’s more or less a common thing to make a few trips to the bar, a few trips to the restroom and maybe one or two to the merch table. Most of this tends to go on before and after any given band’s set. The runner is constantly on the move, especially during the bands sets. They don’t seem to be there to see the show, they’re to push past you 450 times. No matter where you stand you are in this asshat’s path.

The Conversationalist

So you are going to see the show. One or more bands you like is playing at the place and that is your motivation to go to this particular club, pay $18 to get in and stand around, and maybe shell out $8 for a beer. This is totally cool because you’re getting your socks rocked off and there is nothing you’d rather do or anyplace you’d rather be. This isn’t true for the conversationalist, they’re just… there. They could be anywhere, they just wanted to get out of the house and go talk about stuff, you know, right behind you. This person always has at least one friend in tow, and basically spends the entire night not shutting up. This really isn’t a thing if you’re seeing the metal or something equally loud, but at a quieter show you’ll be treated to a constant stream of vapidity. I’m not sure what these people want. Are they malignant narcissists? Do the they think we want to join the conversation? That one of us will turn around and say ‘Damn, that’s the smartest thing I’ve ever heard. I want to be your friend/sleep with you!” or “Well my herpes subsided after I ate a bunch of Twinkies, you should try that.” You could have avoided the cover, s’all I’m saying.

The Loudmouth

The loudmouth is potentially the worst scumbag I’ve run into. Less common than the runner and the conversationalist, they have the greatest ability to ruin your good time. The loudmouth is the guy, who waits for the the quiet part of the song to shout ‘YEAH,’ ‘WOOOOOOOOO,’ let lose a wolf whistle or something similar. The loudmouth may also shout commentary, say ‘I LOVE YOU’ or turn into the setlist guy during any quiet part of any song. Again, this isn’t an issue with your death metal extravaganza, but picture this: You are at the beardo post-rock show. The band is in the middle of one of their opuses and the cool part where the thing gets quiet and then get’s loud again is right at the most quiet part of the quiet part. There you are, trying to have your pretentious, post-rock, awesome spiritual moment and some fucker yells “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”as loud as he can. Yeah, dude, we all realize mommy and daddy didn’t love you enough, we will all be your pal now.

If you’re me you also run into this guy with a giant man-fro at every show. Dude, you do not look cool. You do not look like some 70’s stoner guy. You do not need to spend 15 minutes over by the bar making sure your bangs cover your eyes. Your hair makes me think of something Liquid Plumber should be handling. Get a damn haircut.

Or skinheads at the Melt Banana show.

Or that kid having a teenager-seeing-Elvis freakout at the goddamn indie rock show, practically in my lap when its 110 degrees in there and we’re packed in like cattle.

Thank you all.

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